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When a child dies, the 'conspiracy of silence'
begins. For some, it begins immediately and for others, years
after the death. In some families, the child's name isn't mentioned
for fear that the parents will become more upset. Haven't we all
heard that before? Death makes people so uncomfortable that they
don't mention the child's name because they want to protect themselves
from having to think the unthinkable. I can understand their feelings,
but at times I find myself resenting these people because I ache
so much to hear Kristen's name.
Many of us fear that our child will be forgotten.
As the years go by, more and more 'forget' Kristen's birthday and
mentioning her during holidays and other special days partly because
she is not here physically. They may feel that out-of-sight means
out-of-mind. It doesn't work that way! In order to keep our children
'alive,' we search for ways to impress upon ourselves and others
that our child's life was very special and unique and that we will
NEVER forget them!
Because our grief journeys are so unique as well,
so are our ways of preserving our child's memory. This process can
be an integral way of coping with a child's death. We would all
love not to have to 'just remember' ~ we want them here NOW!
But since that is not our reality, our only alternative is to keep
their memory alive in our hearts and minds.
In my life, being able to talk about Kristen openly
was the beginning of this process. Despite others' uncomfortableness,
I felt empowered to express my feelings whenever necessary. I was
not going to allow others to tell me to 'get a grip on things' just
because they felt uneasy. In order to 'survive,' we all have to
find our own way that works for us.
Along with talking about Kristen, another way I
cherish her memory is through 'love messages.' I have attached
a special meaning to a dove that sits on a telephone wire outside
our house ~ Kristen's spirit is near. Many may call these 'messages'
bizarre, but if they mean something to me, then it doesn't matter
what others think!
Many of you have found or are in the process of finding
ways to keep your child 'alive.' There is no one way to do that.
Some families plant a tree, have Masses or other rituals offered,
award scholarships in their child's name, do volunteer work, write
songs or poems, or a variety of other creative and inspirational
ways.
To 'outsiders,' we should just 'accept' reality
and go on with our lives, but to us, going on with our lives in
our NEW reality means keeping our children 'alive' in our hearts
and minds forever.
Deb Lee Gould, Director
FOD Family Support Group
September 1991
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