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My husband William was frantically driving me to the
hospital at 4 am. He wasn't just nervous because he was about to
be a father. He was trying to get us to the hospital in one piece.
Caleb Patrick was born at 5:20 pm during a really horrible tropical
storm. My son blasted into the world as the storm blasted by us.
I will always remember September 14, 2001. That is the
day I became a first time mother. It was the happiest day of my
life!
My son was finally here. He made it through all of
my infections, severe preeclampsia (I am waiting to find out if
it was FLOP or HELPP) and having the umbilical cord around his neck
twice. I was the proudest mother ever. I had a fighter for a
son. I was only able to hold Caleb for a minute before he was
taken to NICU. Caleb was placed in the NICU because he was born
at 35 weeks and his blood sugar had to be monitored because I had
Gestational Diabetes. I was so afraid to hold him for the first
time. I was afraid that if I touched him that he would get sick.
So all I did was lift up his blue knitted hat to see if he had hair.
I told him that "I love you and I will see you soon."
I was on bed rest for the next two days so I wasn't
able to visit Caleb in the nursery. The nurses did however sneak
Caleb in for a thirty-minute visit. That was the only time I was
really able to be Caleb's mommy. I didn't have any staff watching
me or listening to what I was telling my son. During that visit
I told Caleb all of my hopes for him. I looked at every inch of
his body. And yes I counted his fingers and toes. They were all
accounted for so I was happy and at peace. Every day William would
come and visit us. I would sometimes get jealous. William would
come in and say hi to me and give me a kiss then say, "I gotta
go see my boy." Now, I am jealous because William had more
time with our son. I am thankful that Caleb received so much
love from his father. Caleb knows that his parents love him so much
and will never stop loving him.
I was released on my fourth day. That is when I found
out that Caleb wouldn't be coming home with us. I was then informed
that he was being kept because he was a lazy po (by mouth) feeder.
I wasn't even informed of this by his doctor. I was informed of
this when I went to the nursery to feed Caleb. I was always left
in the dark by the first hospital. That night William and I attended
Caleb's 6 pm feeding. The nurse in charge of Caleb that night told
us that Caleb was floppy earlier so she tested his sugar. It
was at 20. She sent the blood to the lab and it was actually
under 20. She said Caleb received some sugar water in a bottle
and that he perked right up. Both my husband and I asked if they
are still monitoring his sugar. We were told that it was not necessary.
It was just an episode for my having Gestational Diabetes. I went
on to explain to the nurse that I have a family history of Diabetes.
She still said that there was no need.
That night Caleb took 20cc of formula. Over the week
William and I would make our daily visits to drop off breast milk
and to feed our son. During these visits we were not allowed
to hold him until it was time to feed him, then we would have
to leave right when he was finished. Needless to say, we never
really got to bond with our son. I will never forgive the hospital
staff for that.
I was allowed to change Caleb's diaper a few times.
I loved it. I was actually allowed to take care of my child. During
this time Caleb became a lazier po feeder according to the doctors.
Caleb was put on an NG tube on his fifth day of life. Caleb would
start off on a bottle for 20 minutes, and then what formula was
left would be given by NG. On Caleb's 10th day of life everything
was looking bright. We were present for his 9 pm feeding. Caleb
took 29cc in 10 minutes. I made a comment to my husband, "Watch,
Caleb will be home this Friday or next Friday by the latest."
I said this on a Tuesday night.
The following afternoon at 1:30 I received a call
from the NICU telling me to come to the hospital. I didn't hear
any concern in the doctor's voice. I asked if Caleb was being released.
I was told that Caleb had gotten worse. Of course I said "What?"
I was then informed that during Caleb's noon feeding he became floppy
in the nurse's arms and that he was given oxygen. I said "How
is he right now?" They said, "He's still floppy, cold
and pasty white." I called William home and we arrived an hour
later. I have never seen a baby so white.
We sat caressing our son until 6:30 pm. That is
when I ran out of the nursery while they were bagging Caleb.
I came back after he was stable to tell him that I loved him and
to fight for mommy. I wanted to wrap my baby in a blanket and just
hold him. He was so cold. During this time I was informed that he
was being transferred to a level three hospital. Caleb was transferred
at 9 pm. We were informed that we would not be able to see Caleb
until morning. I kissed Caleb good-bye and told him that I loved
him.
The transport team went one way while we went another.
As we were heading to the parking lot the transfer team were coming
out a different door. A little boy was walking in front of us, he
said to his parents "Awe, look at that cute little baby."
I broke down ~ praying to God, "Please don't let this be
the last time that I see my son." William and I sat in
our car until the ambulance pulled away. I cry whenever I hear sirens.
Caleb survived the transport. I called that
night at midnight to see how he was doing. I was told that he is
hanging in there. And that he was receiving a blood transfusion
due to anemia. I could hear my baby crying. At this point whenever
someone would touch Caleb he would cry. He knew that another needle
was coming. I asked if he was going to make it through the night.
I was told yes and that I can visit him tomorrow. I was up all night
just staring at the clock waiting for it to turn to 9:30 am.
We arrived at 10:30 to visit Caleb. The doctor in-charge
of Caleb that day spoke to us. We were informed that Caleb might
have an inborn disorder that affects the heart. We were then told
not to expect Caleb to survive the night.
I kept praying that God would spare my son and if
it was not meant to be to please let my mom make it in time from
Michigan so that she can hold her grandson. William's parents flew
in from Texas. They were able to welcome their first grandchild
into the world and they were able to be present when he passed.
During our first visit Caleb opened his eyes three
times. It was if he was telling me, "Hey mom I am still here."
That was the last time I saw Caleb's beautiful blue eyes. I
also noticed that his umbilical cord came off. I made the nurse
find it. William and I were waiting for the day that it would fall
off. Will used it as an excuse for not changing his diaper. The
excuse was now gone. The cord and a lock of my son's hair are the
only physical reminders I have. The second visit that we were allowed
that day I just kept touching him. I kissed any part of him that
didn't have an IV in it. Caleb had six total. And he was on a respirator.
By the third visit the IVs all started failing on him. A central
line was ordered, but the surgeon never showed. At 8:30 pm I
had my son Baptized. It was something I felt I had to do. I wanted
my son to be able to enter Heaven to be with my father. This way
I knew he would be in good hands. Everyone in the NICU sang YES
JESUS LOVES CALEB.
Visiting hours were over at 10:30. I was kicked out
at 10:45. Caleb arrested at 11:00 pm. They were able to revive
him. I was told at 11:30 that this happened. I told the doctor
that if it happens again that I want to be there. "I was
there when he came into this world ~ I will be there when he leaves."
I asked if I could visit with Caleb. I was told no
and that they were trying to stabilize him. Around this time a
nurse from the first hospital came to be with us. Caleb was known
as their little Mr. Grabow. He touched so many in such a short time.
We were talking when the doctor informed us that Caleb stop breathing.
I ran in back. My son was already blue. I had them stop what they
were doing. I said let my son go in peace. They unhooked
the last two IVs and wrapped him in a blanket and placed my baby
in my arms. Caleb took his last two breaths in my arms at 12:45
am. It was Caleb's 14th day of life.
Afterwards I gave my son his first bath and the
nurse from the first hospital combed his hair. She was the first
one to do it and I wanted her to have the honor of being the last.
I put my son in a diaper and dressed him for his next journey
into God's hands.
The following day was Friday. The day I thought my
son would be home by for sure. It was the day I had to plan my son's
funeral. The day I had to pick out his urn. I finally brought
Caleb home on October 9, 2001. No mother should have to put
her child's urn in a crib. I kept telling Caleb I couldn't wait
until he was home sleeping in his own bed. I will be crying for
the rest of my life. I am just grateful that I was Caleb's mommy
for fourteen days. Caleb we love you BIGGIE MUCH.
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Shelly and William Grabow
boo1974bear@yahoo.com
Caleb's
Memorial website
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